Edwin P. Cutler
spaceship79@hotmail.com
23 March 1999
rev'd 11 April 2003
I saw so many marriages go down the drain, I began to wonder what was wrong; some marriages seemed to work while others were doomed.
In the working relationships, each partner seemed satisfied, perhaps more than satisfied with their mate. This was obvious because the partners never missed a chance to complimented their mates better points.
In contrast, the failing marriages were crowded with complaints; you can't do that, you don't know enough, why are you so lazy, or why did you do that (dummy)? Almost every act was questioned or in some way denigrated.
And yet the individuals in both cases, either the good or the bad, were bright intelligent people with good intentions and many excellent personal strengths.
What was wrong in the wrong cases? The only difference seemed to be in the lack of complementary statements.
I experimented with my own wife and found that when I told her how good looking she is, or how bright she is, or how well she did this or that, she soon was telling me how much she liked doing things with me and just being with me.
The idea was conveyed to a borderline case and I later observed that the person who had complained about their mate had discovered that the mate had some wonderful characteristics and, in fact, the formerly bothersome mate had become brilliantly active and attentive and very happy; the relationship rather than failed, in fact, blossomed.
In other words, if you feel someone has some good attributes, don't keep it to yourself, tell them they are really good at this or that. The remarkable result of this is that they feel better about themselves. Subtly, having described them as wonderful, you feel better about them and, of course, they feel better about you.
If this makes you happy, say something nice to your mate and get a rewarding hug.
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